Becoming More Calm

Last night I went a little nuts.  Okay, more than a little. Today I am feeling sorry, embarrassed, and I'm wishing I were naturally a more capable,
more  calm person.

  I looked up this wonderful stuff (below) that I'd once used when I had a great counselor, years ago, and the list is so good that I thought I'd share it here.  I doubt anyone is free from these distortions 100% of the time, but I know sometimes I get caught in a spiral where I can't even feel correctly.  I can't even see reality right.  Last night was like that.  I want to be better.  I have the most wonderful family in the world, and they deserve me to be sane even if it's PMS time, even if we have had a hard week, and even if I'm low on sleep or attention or money or energy to keep my house clean.  I vow to improve, with God's blessing.

The Ten Forms of Self-Defeating Thoughts
 (Cognitive Distortions:  from David D. Burns, MD 1989 "The Feeling Good Handbook")

1. All or nothing - thinking

You see things in black and white categories If a situation falls short of perfect,

you see it as a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization

You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as 'always' or "never" 

3. Mental filter

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your

vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a

beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your

presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something

mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive

feedback.

4. Discounting the positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they 'don't count.' If you do a good

job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have

done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel

inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions

You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your

conclusion.

Mind reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is

reacting negatively to you.

Fortune telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may

tell yourself, 'I'm really going to blow it. ' If you're depressed you

may tell yourself, 'I'll never get better.'

6. Magnification

You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you

minimize the importance of your desirable qualities.

7. Emotional reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really

are: 'I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly.' Or

'I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.' Or 'I feel angry. This proves I'm being

treated unfairly.' Or I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second-rate person.' Or 'I

feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.'

8. "Should statements"

You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to

be.  'Musts,' 'oughts' and 'have tos' are similar

'Should statements' that are directed against yourself lead to frustration.

Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general

lead to anger: 'He shouldn't be so stubborn'

 This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do the opposite.

9. Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying 'I made a

mistake.' you attach a negative label to yourself: 'I'm a loser.' Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but 'fools,' 'losers,'

and 'jerks' do not. These labels are useless abstractions that lead to anger,

anxiety, low self- esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the

wrong way, you may tell yourself: 'He's an S.O.B Then you feel that the problem

is with that person's 'character' or 'essence' instead of with their thinking or

behavior. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless

about improving things and leaves little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and blame

Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an

event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that

her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, 'this shows what a bad

mother I am,' instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she

could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told

herself, lf only I were better, he wouldn't beat me.'

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing: 'The reason my marriage is lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.' Blame usually doesn't

work very well because other people will resent being a scapegoat and they will
toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato - no one
wants to get stuck with it.

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So, after this, I found another great gem of wisdom:  a five-step plan to use to work through the craziness rather than pulling your hair, slamming a door, shouting at your loved one, or resorting to self-hate.  It's from a book called "When Panic Attacks":

1. On paper, describe the upsetting event briefly.
2. State and rate your emotions from 0 to 100% for each emotion-word you choose to use
3.  Write a sentence for each negative thought and rate from 0-100% how much you believe your own thought.
4. Identify any distortions (use the "Ten Cognitive Distortions" checklist above)
5. Challenge each negative thought with a positive sentence and label 0-100% how much you believe that sentence.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

So, I put a packet of peppermint tea, some paper, a pen, and some 3x5 cards with the above information on it, in my living room bookshelf.  My homework is that next time I get PMS or any other craziness and want to behave in regrettable ways, I have to work through this system and see if I can do better, even with out my wonderful therapist, Rex.  He died a few years ago, but his encouraging, stern methods and his helpfulness stays with me.