Resolving Conflicts in Blended Families

   I have a book called "Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love" by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


It is good.

Today I looked up "blended families" in the index.  We will have a family of seven this summer.  We'll be adding two full-timers for the summer:  D.H.'s 18-year-old son, A.R., who's moving here to live from June to August, to work at a carpet cleaning place as he did last summer, and D.H.'s 12-year-old daughter, S.E.  And we already have my 13-year-old daughter, C.E., who's always here, and my 8-year-old A.J., who's always here, plus the baby.

When I think of all the bathroom conflicts and dishwashing conflicts and chauffeuring conflicts and menu-planning conflicts and who-ate-my-favorite-cereal conflicts that could jar the summer, I get scared.  This morning, D.H. got scared because C.E. left her clothes on the bathroom floor again, her cereal bowl on the table, and a glob of honey on the table, and just ran off to school.  So I have to get after her when she comes home today, which I will.  In the meantime, I looked up some information. And it's online, too, if you want to read it:

http://books.google.com/books?id=YmHt586CQwMC&pg=PA224&lpg=PA224&dq=marital+dissatisfaction+increases+with+the+number+of+children+born+to+a+couple.+The+year+that+divorce+is+most+likely+to&source=bl&ots=SNmdrVYzgn&sig=c-p1V3L-aP6Fg8e385N4QiatliE&hl=en&ei=CvKuTdqQAujgiAKc_9zRDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBYQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=marital%20dissatisfaction%20increases%20with%20the%20number%20of%20children%20born%20to%20a%20couple.%20The%20year%20that%20divorce%20is%20most%20likely%20to&f=false

This is the same book online that we have at home.  If you scroll down to page 224 and just read two pages, you find a lot.  Like:

1. What the children need most (even more than discipline or gifts) is parents who love each other.


2. No parent should unilaterally give discipline --or gifts-- without the enthusiastic approval of the other spouse.  (PJA = the policy of joint agreement on all important matters)


3. Studies say that marital dissatisfaction increases with the birth of each child.  (Sad!!!  I hope this one is not true.)


4. The reasons given for #3 are:   1) With more children, there is less energy to meet the most important emotional needs in marriage,
and  2) Especially in blended families, the way people resolve the conflicts around children destroys romantic love.


5. Only 20% of marriages with blended children, stay married.


6. A couple must spend 15 non-distracted hours per week with each other --or the love-bank account will plummet!  (And I don't think it counts if we are in the same building, focusing on different things.)


President Monson said that we must not let our marital disagreements get to the point where our love for each other is in jeopardy. 


When we have disharmony in our homes, we cannot feel the love.  We have to guard carefully and mop up the emotional spills, as we would a spill on the kitchen table.

Rainy Afternoon

It's raining.  It's just another glorious (--but can I or anyone easily detect that?--) normal, inconsequential day.  My hair is a mess.  I need to go make meatballs and move the laundry.

C.E. is running (6 miles) today, training for her half marathon. A.J. is playing with his friend, T., with the hotwheels tracks and a sleeping bag that they are sliding on, down the stairs.  Baby's napping in his crib.

He got a diaper rash from sitting in the backpack carrier in a wet diaper all day Saturday, but it's going away already.  He is not a complainer.

I am determined to lose ten to fifteen pounds and keep them off for life.  This is tricky because I love to eat and can't prioritize exercising, even though I do like it.  So I have not jogged or walked on the treadmill for many months!  Oh, I have many great excuses:  nursing causes jogging to be chestfully uncomfortable; I am usually tired; I don't have a babysitter and the baby only sometimes enjoys the jogging stroller.  My babysitting daughter's on swim team and is never here; my husband loves me even if I am plump, etc.... yet I want to lose it, I do.

So. Anyway. To keep myself from going crazy with boredom while C.E. watched the baby and I was alone in the icky basement with the treadmill, I picked up this book from booktopia (what we call the plastic bins and overflowing shelves in the basement) today.  D.H. bought the book years ago, before we were together.  Some one recommended it to him, to help him get through his daughter's death and both of his divorces.  (Sigh. Sometimes I cannot believe what that man has been through.  I think it's why he's so humble and gentle and forgiving.)

I read while walking on the treadmill.  I LOVE this book so far.  It will motivate me to keep up the walking on the treadmill, just because it's that good.  It's my kind of stuff.   I will try to post some quotes and tell you why it's so wonderful, but right now I have to go make meatballs.